I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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