I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
