Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
