I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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