i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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