So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
