Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
