Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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