I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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