Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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