Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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