I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
