I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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