his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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