he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
