You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
