sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize