This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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