never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
