This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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