Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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