I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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