If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
