it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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