You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
