I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
