Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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