Michael Bay diarrhea
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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