oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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