i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
