If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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