got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
