You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
