see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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