I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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