Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
