hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
