im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
