Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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