i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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