I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
