My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
