Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
