Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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