if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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