I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize