i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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