We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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