There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
