I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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