My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
