A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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