wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize