i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
