Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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