I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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