I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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