You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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