Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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