dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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