I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
