I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
