A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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