Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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