My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
